disclamier: this is me in the raw.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." - Anonymous
for days i wake up mad. before i can even crawl out of bed i am mad. and it only gets worse. i get madder and madder the more my children talk to me, the more things they need, the more things that take away from me being able to breathe. i spend the days thinking about how i just want to breathe.
when i am mad my voice goes up two octaves aka i yell. i am yelling so much that my own voice is annoying me. i have always been a yeller. it's my thing. ask my mom, ask my husband. i yell. i am yelling so much that d looks at me and says 'stop talking'. i know it's because i am yelling about something that doesn't need yelling. but it makes me madder. i yell at everyone for everything. the only one i haven't yelled at is the baby, but oh i have come so close.
get your coat on
get/find your shoes
get out of the fridge
no you can't have snack
stop taking your sister's stuff
stop fighting
stop yelling!
i am mad until they go to bed. then in self pity i ask Heavenly Father: why am i so mad? funny, i don't get an answer
i can't put my finger on it
what is making me so angry at my kids?
why am i MAKING myself miserable?
in desperation i turn to the bookcase. the bookcase always holds something that will either distract me from my current state of being or will help me to get out of my semi-truck sized rut.
this time my eyes fall on the book i 'stole' from my mom years ago
'a joyful mother of children'
can i be joyful? is that possible? do i really WANT to be joyful? won't it take MORE work to be joyful?
the answer deep deep down inside under all that anger and resentment, is a quiet and soft, yes, to all the questions.
i am tired of being mad. being mad is a huge bummer at the end of the day. i am disappointing myself, my kids, my husband and my Heavenly Father.
i know we all want to hear that there is some magic book that makes everything all better. a bandaid of sorts. that there are words that suddenly change you and BAM you are joyful!
this book isn't it. i am actually kinda annoyed at some of what she says. She sounds so... so... happy.
and then. i realize something. and this is not the first time i have realized it, so i guess i remembered it.
the atonement applies to motherhood.
when i am mad my voice goes up two octaves aka i yell. i am yelling so much that my own voice is annoying me. i have always been a yeller. it's my thing. ask my mom, ask my husband. i yell. i am yelling so much that d looks at me and says 'stop talking'. i know it's because i am yelling about something that doesn't need yelling. but it makes me madder. i yell at everyone for everything. the only one i haven't yelled at is the baby, but oh i have come so close.
get your coat on
get/find your shoes
get out of the fridge
no you can't have snack
stop taking your sister's stuff
stop fighting
stop yelling!
i am mad until they go to bed. then in self pity i ask Heavenly Father: why am i so mad? funny, i don't get an answer
i can't put my finger on it
what is making me so angry at my kids?
why am i MAKING myself miserable?
in desperation i turn to the bookcase. the bookcase always holds something that will either distract me from my current state of being or will help me to get out of my semi-truck sized rut.
this time my eyes fall on the book i 'stole' from my mom years ago
'a joyful mother of children'
can i be joyful? is that possible? do i really WANT to be joyful? won't it take MORE work to be joyful?
the answer deep deep down inside under all that anger and resentment, is a quiet and soft, yes, to all the questions.
i am tired of being mad. being mad is a huge bummer at the end of the day. i am disappointing myself, my kids, my husband and my Heavenly Father.
i know we all want to hear that there is some magic book that makes everything all better. a bandaid of sorts. that there are words that suddenly change you and BAM you are joyful!
this book isn't it. i am actually kinda annoyed at some of what she says. She sounds so... so... happy.
and then. i realize something. and this is not the first time i have realized it, so i guess i remembered it.
the atonement applies to motherhood.
8 comments:
Great reminder, Wendy! I think we all have things we need to work on/feel guilty about when it comes to motherhood. I can definitely relate with you!
Thanks for sharing your feelings, I know exactly how you feel!!!
Being a mom is not always what we imagine it to be.
Oh and thanks for the update, I love to see how you beautiful family is doing in all your adventures.
I like you in the raw, it's endearing and besides, I think joyful is overrated. My typical morning mood of choice is sarcastic w/ some mad thrown in. Before German leaves he'll say "love you and be good to mommy!" To which I respond "Yeah right..."
I think a bit of morning or evening blog rawness will be good for me. Thanks for sharing.
Well said Wendy! The other day Hendrix says "mom stop yelling at me" and I was whispering...for my kids it is all in my tone not my volume :) I pray every morning before I get out of my bed that I will be patient and loving and be able to give my kids what they need...some days I do great and others I fall short and have to tell them I am sorry and repent...with the joy of motherhood there is always the opposite...pain. Your honestly is refreshing :)I love you.
I have chills and I have tears. Thank you being "raw". I love you no matter what and we all relate to this. Nobody is a "perfect" mom and I totally understand the mad thing. I often feel mad at situations that are just...what they are, and I had my pueduo ephiphany a couple of weeks ago. I'm trying really hard to think before I speak (if I'm mad...) and to not feel guilty about popping kids in front of a movie or letting them eat pb and J if it will give me a few moments of sanity. You are right that we choose this and it IS divine, and thank God we have moments where we see that because sometimes, it is all just hard. I love you, Wendy, and your post really touched me. Thank you for sharing it. You are fantastic and I learn so much from you!
I can so relate to this, too. I hate that I'm a yeller, and yet I am. I figure if today is better than yesterday, than overall I must be doing better.
Hey Wendy, I havent talked to you in so long. I really appreciate your post. Its really good to know that there are other moms who go through the same struggles...to know that there isnt something "wrong" with me for feeling a certain way, and to know that its not just my kids who are little "life suckers" at times. When I was reading your post it was like I had written it myself. I cant really express it but, it really helped me b/c most of the time I feel like such a crappy, miserable person that my family doesnt want to be around...heck I dont even wanna be around me sometimes. Thanks for your honesty :) I guess if we recognize these little shortcomings in ourselves, as long as we are trying, we get points...right?
Again Wendy thanks for sharing. I have felt this exact way for a period of time recently and I never quite knew how to explain what was going on or put into words how I was feeling. This is perfectly it. You are definitely not alone. You are right...we choose this life. I chose my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Not for one minute do I take for granted that the three little naughties are mine forever and I am so lucky and blessed to be able to stay at home with them, teaching them and even more, learning more about myself and the atonement and plan of salvation and Christ-like love more than any other thing i could be doing with my life. but that doesn't mean that i will love everyday of it and that doesn't mean that i won't have struggles, hard struggles with it. those things only make us stronger and wiser. i hope. you're awesome wendy and you're kids are so lucky to have you for a mom!
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